i have no idea who i am outside of my mental illness and sitting at rock bottom is comforting because all i've been feeling is sadness since 6th grade. its become a part of my identity now and i can't imagine myself not being sad 24/7. stepping out of the sadness and hopping into the unknown is so terrifying to me, what will i be doing and thinking about when i'm healed?

i take personality tests that probably aren't even accurate, but it's so i can find what i relate to or have a description of who i am and have a sense of identity. it's so relaxing answering questions and then get a description of what's supposed to be "myself"

i've always been jealous of how boys look and how well they get treated rather than girls, but then i realized that i'd never pass being a boy and it's not really what i want to be. i don't want to be a girl either, but i also don't want to be non-binary or agender.

the social worker asked me if i wanted to identify as non-binary so i could detach myself from the trauma i've gone through when i was a girl and i felt so invalidated. are you saying that how i feel about my gender is only because of my trauma? does it even work like that? gender is not an option, it's a feeling and being non-binary was how i felt at the time, but she really made me question if i just wanted a new identity and disconnect myself from the bad memories. i hate this.